Pay attention at the back.
Induction. At 42 or 43 weeks, the baby is technically overdue and you will be encouraged to have it induced. This may involve an artificial hormone called syntocinon, which is powerful stuff. Normal contractions build up gradually, so pain relief can be managed gradually. Syntocinon contractions are immediately intense and painful: 0 to 60 mph in minutes, rather than hours. Induction is not an easy option, and shouldn't be considered lightly. Unless there are strong medical reasons in favour, it may be preferable to wait until the baby is ready to come out of its own accord.
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| Technical Term For Birth |
Breech birth. Baby should be coming out head first, if it's the wrong way round, and it's leading with its buttocks, that's called a breech birth. They may be able to do it vaginally - it may depend on nothing more than the skill and experience of your midwife - but a Caesarean is more likely, if it is spotted early enough in the scanning process, a breech baby can often be coerced to turn round. (Which only goes to prove that there really is someone alive in there.)
Forceps. Some births need what will euphemistically be described as 'intervention'. If the baby gets stuck on the way out - its head may be too big, or the cervix may refuse to dilate fully - the famed forceps may be brought into action, The two blades cradle the baby's head, and then someone pulls like billy-o.
Warning: forceps are large and scary, and you will never make jokes about them again. Try and ensure that your beloved does not catch sight of them. Why should both of you have nightmares about them for years to come?
Ventouse. This is a slightly more civilized alternative to the forceps, dating from the 1950s rather than the Spanish Inquisition. It's essentially a sink plunger, inserted carefully up the four-lane bypass.and plopped onto the baby's head. Then someone pulls like the devil. Mainly worrying because at this stage in its short life, the baby's skull is very malleable, and at best the ventouse will leave a large bruise. At worst you may feel obliged to call your first-born 'Conehead'.
This effect subsides quickly, but never quickly enough. Also: it is not unusual for the vacuum seal between the ventouse and the baby's head to be broken, and this makes another extraordinary noise, like a rhino farting. It sounds as though something horrible has happened, but it hasn't. All they do is put the ventouse back on and give it another go.
Crowning. When the baby appears at the vaginal opening, it is called crowning. Watch this bit if you can: it is extraordinary.
Episiotomy. I have to admit that merely typing that word launches a full-blooded shiver down my spine. In theory the vagina should be big and stretchy enough for the baby to come out. That's what it is designed for. But if forceps or ventouse are used, or it's a breech birth, or the baby is a whopper, your beloved may need an episiotomy - a slice through the skin of the perineal floor with a small knife. It will bleed like nothing on earth, and it will hurt as much as it bleeds.
Many women say 'No Episiotomy' in their birth plan, but you're relying on the expertise of the midwives and/or doctors, and indeed their personal prejudices. So there may be no real choice. (Although they are supposed to ask the mother's permission before they do it.) 'Natural' tears, i.e. not knife-assisted, tend to heal better. The angle of the cut also makes a difference ... but you don't need to know all this, and you certainly don't need to see it, if you are even a third as squeamish as I am. To find out more, you can check out Technical Term For Birth.