Medicine, as we all know, is hugely advanced and highly technological. So what's the best way of checking how far the cervix has dilated? It's the same for midwives and doctors and everyone: put on a rubber glove, stick your hand up, have a good poke around. It's as though a peaceful country lane has been upgraded to a four-lane bypass. If they've put a Little Chef halfway up, don't be at all surprised.
 |
| Preparing For Labor And Delivery Checklist |
THE THREE STAGES OF LABOUR
Stage one is when the contractions pull the cervix open. Stage two is when the baby is born. Stage three is when the afterbirth comes out. It might all take a couple of hours. It might take several days.
- Stage One. This can last up to twelve hours, or even longer with a first baby. As baby's skull thumps against cervix, in its first recorded act of headbanging, your beloved may start thinking about pain relief, in between screaming. All fathers think: God, l'm so glad I'm not going through this.
- Stage Two. Once the cervix is fully dilated (ten centimetres) the baby says a tearful goodbye to the womb and is pushed through the birth canal. 'Push! Push!' says the midwife. Think of Thunderbird 1 rolling down on its little runway to the lift-off point. Then Scott Tracy fires up the engines and out surges Baby into the world. This stage can take two hours or a few minutes. All fathers think: this is the bit they always show on TV.
- Stage Three. Of interest primarily to gourmets and Dr Hannibal Lecter, the placenta, or afterbirth, will emerge half an hour or so later. Compared to the previous stages this one is almost painless. The real surprise is how big the placenta is. It's as though your partner has had a joint of beef up there for the past few months. All fathers think: I don't care what anyone says, I'm not eating that.
VIDEO CAMERA
Very useful, and you won't regret bringing it, but on no account should you (a) say things like 'Action!' (b) ask the midwife to move aside so you can get a better view, or (c) suggest a retake. Also, watch out for stray splashes - they can clog up the mechanism forever.
WIRING UP THE DELIVERY ROOM SO THAT THE WHOLE BIRTH CAN BE SEEN LIVE ON THE INTERNET
Get out. Get out of this blog right now.
TURD
It happens. She won't be able to help it. She is using many of the same muscles: expelling a baby, expelling a giant turd, comes to the same thing. Midwives, fortunately, are used to it. But you may never forget it. For one thing it's a noise like none other - or more precisely, a combination of noises. The rumble of herding bison? The rumble of herding bison with incontinence problems caught in a sudden thunderstorm? Wire the room for sound, and you'll be able to work it out later when you have time to think about it properly.
SWEARING
At some point they always start shouting and swearing at you because it's all your fault. Finally their true feelings emerge. Convention demands that you take it on the chin and say nothing. Revenge is a dish best eaten cold - not unlike afterbirth pate.
For this is her last fling. When the baby is born she must become the perfect mother, coo sweetly to her newborn and sacrifice everything to its health and well-being. Now is her last chance to be the center of attention and assault you with her fists. And the fact that you are expecting it gives her license to behave even more badly. For fathers, it's the reverse. You are doing your gentle and self-sacrificing bit now, when it's needed. You can go back to being a self-centred bastard when it's all over. So let her have her moment. To find out more, you can check out Preparing For Labor And Delivery Checklist.