For most of the time it'll just be you and her and the midwife and the birth partner if you have one. For long periods even the midwife won't be there. She will be next door reading the paper. (Fair enough: there's nothing else for her to do.) Then, unless it's a very quick labour, your midwife's shift will come to an end.
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| Preparing For Delivery Of Baby |
She will look at her watch, sidle out of the room with a little wave and sprint down the corridor cheering madly. And a new midwife will come in, a stranger, and all that effort you put into bonding with the old midwife, all that flattery and small talk and the flowers and the chocolates - it will all have been wasted. You will have to start again from scratch. This can be one of the most dispiriting moments in the whole ghastly business.
Then stage two begins and after hours of relative solitude, the delivery room will suddenly be more crowded than Chafing Cross station. Who are all these people? There may be an obstetrician, an anaesthetist, another midwife or two, possibly a nurse, the cleaner (who has come to watch), some students, a TV production team making a fly-on-the-wall documentary; lawyers, management, a worried-looking family of four who got out of the lift at the wrong floor and have come to ask directions. Perhaps you should have sold tickets.
HELL ON EARTH
Everyone tells you how wonderful this all is. What a magical experience it is. How you'll never forget it as long as you live. Well, one out of three isn't bad.
The grim, brutal truth is that childbirth is that cruelest of combinations: it is stressful and it is boring. Childbirth is hours - and hours of unceasing teeth-grinding anxiety. It is also so tedious you will want to cry. The good bit is at the end. Partly this is because you have a gorgeous little baby who may look a bit like you. But mainly it's because it's all over.
This is the great unspoken truth of childbirth. No one is allowed to mention it. Other fathers don't say anything. You won't either. It's against the rules. And one of the reasons no one mentions it is that mothers aren't supposed to know. They will know, immediately after the birth and possibly for a few months afterwards. But later they will forget. They are biologically compelled to wipe it from their memories, for if they could recall it, they would never do it again. Do not blame them for it is not their fault. It's your fault, as I keep telling you.
'I CAN'T COPE'
She will say these words at some point as well. There will be terror in her eyes. For all her preparation, there will have been no readying her for what labour is actually like. And she knows, and you know, that she can't wriggle out of it now. All you can do is reassure her, and love her, and tell her she's wonderful and brave and strong, and she can do it. Ideally, fathers should be able to practise this flannel during antenatal classes. Nonetheless, whether you realise it or not, a lifetime of watching Clint Eastwood films has prepared you for this moment. Narrow your eyes. Let your jaw become granite. Chew on a match if you have one handy. Say what needs to be said and show not a scintilla of weakness. It's your strength she needs. Go on punk, make my day. To find out more, you can check out Preparing For Delivery Of Baby.