Few of the usual drugs you'd get in hospital, or even at the chemist, can be used, as they may affect the baby. More subtle approaches are required. In ascending order of usefulness, they are:
1. The TENS machine. Electrodes are taped to her back and give her short sharp shocks of current which stimulate the production of endorphins, the body's natural painkillers. Apparently it's rather pleasant. You can also hire one of these to use at home in the early stages of labour. TENS stands for Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation, a fact to kill any conversation stone dead.
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| Pain Relief Options For Labor And Delivery |
2. Gas and Air. Also trades under the name Entonox. It's a mixture of oxygen and nitrous oxide, and she will breathe it in through a mask. This one is all about timing: she must start using it as soon as she feels a contraction starting, as it takes about 20 seconds to kick in. If you ever see a father-to-be in a labour ward banging his head against a wall, he is either in the last stages of terminal despair, or took a mouthful of gas and air 30 seconds ago and wants to see if it'll work.
3. Pethidine. Rather strong morphine-based drug not much liked by natural childbirthers, as it can pass through the placental wall and make the baby drowsy. Pethidine doesn't dull the pain so much as fuck with your head in true opiate style so that you're not aware of the pain, or anything else for that matter. Will it make your child a heroin addict in later life? Find out in a couple of decades' time.
4. Epidural. This is the famed Full Monty of medicalised birth procedure. The anaesthetist sticks a needle into the spinal column, and anaesthetises womb, vagina, vulva, everything. They'll usually keep a drip going so that the anaesthetic can be topped up. Advantages: no pain at all, can read Hello! magazine sitting up in bed as baby is born. Risks: the mother may injure herself during stage two simply because she feels no pain and so doesn't know what's going on down there.
Also, if it doesn't quite work, there's the tiniest, faintest possibility that she will be numbed on one side of her body, and feel everything on the other side, which, I hear, is freakishly unpleasant. Unbelievably small risk: permanent paralysis if anaesthetist cocks it up. It's very rare, and no one I have met has ever heard of anyone this has happened to (one writer has said that it's about as likely as being hit by a jumbo jet).
And yet it's such a horrific prospect it puts many mothers off epidurals altogether. (When you mention this to certain doctors, steam often billows from their ears. They think epidurals are just fantastic, but it's not they who have to have the enormous needle stuck into the small of their back, is it?)
FOOD AND DRINK
All this hanging around can make a man hungry. Unfortunately, labour etiquette demands that you be on hand at all times. Your partner needs to believe that you are directing every particle of your attention at her, despite the deafening rumble emanating from your stomach. Should you have eaten before you came? It doesn't matter if you did, because most labours go on so long you could fit in three square meals and still have room for a bag of crisps.
Most men feign impossibly weak bladders, sneak out of the door and then go in search of a vending machine. This will be nearly empty, with only the nastiest crisp flavours left and a very elderly Bounty bar that appears to be moving. You mull over the choice. It's lovely just to be out of the room. Some fathers-to-be can stand in front of a hospital vending machine for up to 20 minutes. It could be the last peace you ever know. To find out more, you can check out Pain Relief Options For Labor And Delivery.