PREMATURE BIRTH
Don't worry too much about this. Ninety-three per cent of pregnancies go to full term or beyond. Indeed, a first baby is more likely to stay in there too long than pop out too early. It's warm in the womb, and the food is good. You would stay in there it you could. Babies are not stupid, as you will soon discover.
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| Preparing For Fatherhood |
BRAXTON-HICKS CONTRACTIONS
For some reason, this is just about the only thing that all men remember from their antenatal classes, possibly because it sounds like a firm of builders. Braxton-Hicks are the Phoney War of contractions. They can start at about six months, may occur more frequently in the final weeks, and mean precisely nothing. Oddly enough, sex can bring them on. Semen contains prostaglandin hormones, rather larger quantities of which are often given to women when they are overdue.
Which is why midwives also recommend sex to hurry things along a bit. This is the only other thing all men remember from their antenatal classes: it's the excuse many have been waiting for for several months.
YOGA, BREATHING EXERCISES, MEDITATION
She may go to special classes for these, and you will probably have to practice them with her at antenatal classes as well. Unless you're the sort of hyper-committed dad you read about in annoying books, this will probably be a bit of a chore. At worst it will be an embarrassing and annoying chore that will cause you to shout at each other like Italians. Try and remain calm: this is just part of your punishment. If you do drop off during any of the exercises, try not to snore: it goes down very badly.
BIRTH POSITIONS
In TV soaps women lie on beds and open their legs. In real life, many women will prefer other more comfortable positions: squatting, kneeling, hanging from ropes, doing a handstand while humming songs from the shows. Some of these require you to be right behind her holding her up or supporting her in some way. This may be the worst thing of all about birth. The phrase 'heavily pregnant', you'll have noticed, starts with 'heavily'.
Even Kate Moss weighed a ton in the ninth month. No one will care how much it hurts you. Your back muscles are expendable. Letters from your doctor or your mother excusing you from games will be ignored. In the weeks leading up to the birth, you will have to practice these agonizing positions until you drop.
Sportsmen, who know exactly how to feign injuries, should be prepared to twinge that hamstring or strain that groin with about three weeks to go. Non-sportsmen should start on the weights, or prepare to hire lifting equipment. (Water births spare you all this - another significant advantage.)
IRRITABILITY
It's in all the books. Women get irritable in the last stages of pregnancy. Having read this, irritatingly, it gives them permission to be irritable. Chicken or egg? Stay in the pub an hour or two longer and you'll find out.
NESTING INSTINCT
Another sign that the baby is on its way. She will be full of energy and may start frantically cleaning the house. This is pure instinct. She wants to get things ready for the baby. Suggest she relays the floor and paints the window frames while she is about it.
CURRY
As well as sex, an excellent way for her to hurry things along a bit is a blisteringly hot curry. Whole belief systems could be built around this delightful fact. Managers of Indian restaurants, however, may be less than keen to see yet another hugely pregnant woman waddling in. Their hot towels are for mopping your face after the meal, nothing more. Order a takeaway instead. To find out more, you can check out Preparing For Fatherhood.