Other sure-fire ways to induce labour: drink castor oil, get an enema, stimulate the nipples. Or if she is an Olympic gymnast, all three at the same time. Bear in mind, though, that old wives also hold that if a pregnant woman wears high-heels, the baby will be cross-eyed; that a hare-lip is caused by the foetus sucking its thumb in the womb; and that if a child is born with teeth, it's a sign of syphilis. As it happens, Napoleon Bonaparte and Julius Caesar were born with teeth. So was Richard III.
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| How To Know Labor Is Near |
And yet there is one old wives' tale that large numbers of apparently functional people still believe to be true. Ancient relatives will have it on excellent authority that a woman should never raise her arms above her head, as it increases the probability of miscarriage, and can cause the foetus to be strangled by its umbilical cord. Absolute poppycock. If she raises her arms above her head, people will be able to tickle her armpits. Can she take that risk? Only she can decide.
COUVADE
This is the phenomenon, observed in many primitive tribes, of fathers undergoing a sort of sympathetic pregnancy, sharing labour pains, taking to their beds for days on end and sometimes even acting out childbirth. Couvade means 'hatching' in French, although that's the last thing likely to happen. It was first noticed in Corsica in the first century AD, and the Witoto tribe of the Amazon are among several who keep the flames of couvade alive. It wouldn't happen here ... would it? As it happens, studies suggest that between a fifth and a quarter of all fathers-to-be experience pregnancy-related symptoms: toothache, gastroin-testinal symptoms and even weight gain. Can we blame getting hugely fat on our partner's having a baby? We certainly can.
PACKING THE BAG
Make sure you've got the following inside:
1. All the hospital notes, including copy of birth plan if not already burnt by midwife.
2. Loads of clothes for her. Big T-shirt or nightdress, pair of socks, pair of slippers, dressing gown, big pants (yummy!), enormous nursing bras (yowsah!) and thong (joke). Also: more toiletries than she'll ever need, bath towels, hot water bottle, bottle of mineral water and hand mirror so she can see baby's head popping out if she really wants to. Plus: super-strength sanitary pads (extra-large), kitchen sink, sponges, face flannels, box of disposable breast pads, water spray bottle to cool her skin, portable CD player, The Best Of Nanci Griffith, copy of Hello! magazine plus all that stuff that lives at the bottom of handbags, undisturbed by human hand from one generation to the next. Better let her pack all this up for herself.
3. For baby, you'll need a vest or two, a couple of romper suits, some nappies (size 1), nappy changing equipment, hat, socks and a blanket or shawl to wrap the little shivering creature in.
4. For you, take a change of clothes, as labour wards can be fearsomely hot (and the clothes you're wearing may get covered in something nasty); sandwiches, fruit, biscuits, water, hip flask, cool box with beer in; camera, camcorder, extra film, extra battery; phone card, address book containing important phone numbers, pile of pound coins (you can't use mobile phones in hospitals); good book; pillow; noose.
They say you should pack the bag at about 36 weeks, but you'll probably pack it at the last minute like everybody else.
LABOUR
How will you know that labour has started? Because it's the worst possible moment for it. Either she' s in Safeway's, or you're drunk, or both. More often than not, it's in the middle of the night.
- The 'show'. There's a little mucus plug that seals the cervix during pregnancy. When it pops out, she'll have a pinkishbrown discharge about the size of a 20p piece which, by ancient showbiz tradition, is called the "show'. Something is stirring, but there's no need to do anything yet (other than panic).
- The waters break. In TV dramas this always happens in the back of a cab or some other humorous location. It isn't definitive evidence that labour is starting, although it won't be far away. What has happened is that the amniotic sac has ruptured. Fluid can trickle, or as in disaster films it can surge. Call the midwife or delivery room for advice, but they will probably tell you to stay put until labour really gets going.
- Contractions. Imagine a dull clutching ache in your stomach that lasts a few seconds and goes away. Then imagine another one in 15 or 20 minutes' time. What's the big deal? But once this process has begun, there's not much that can stop it. Baby is raring to go, the womb tightens, and with each throb the cervix dilates a little bit further. Soon the pain phases will get longer and the gaps between them shorter. And still there's no need to go to hospital. They say that if she can talk lucidly on the phone to the hospital, it's probably too early to go in. Only when the contractions last about a minute, and are coming every five to ten minutes, should you hotfoot it for the delivery room. The midwife will check that the mother-to-be is three centimetres dilated, and if she is, that's when labour officially starts. Synchronise your watches. All timings start here.
To find out more, you can check out How To Know Labor Is Near.