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| What Is An Antenatal Class |
Opinions differ over precisely when pregnant women are at their foxiest, but let's assume that two of them are highly fanciable and another three aren't bad at all (II~e names of the others you will fail to remember throughout the eight weeks of the coarse.) Sadly, none of them will notice you. They are already pregnant and their need for a man has lapsed. Also, their actual man is sitting next to them. To look round for a replacement the baby was born would be indiscreet. Let them see that junior has inherited Dad's huge flappy ears and weak chin before they start wondering who it'll be next time. (You can see that it's but a short route to that sorry bedsit in the wind battered seaside town.)
So let us leave the mothers-to-be for now. Let us turn our attention instead to the men. At your first antenatal class everybody will introduce themselves - with forenames only, as though they were at an AA meeting. 'I am Marcus ...' [huge pause to pluck up courage] '... and I am going to be a father.' In fact, you might as well be at an AA meeting for all the chance you have of getting a drink. (Similarly, at the end of the session, absolutely nobody will say, "So who fancies a quick half at the pub on the corner?' Eyebrows would be raised, tuts would be tufted. This is female territory, and you have to be on your best behaviour.)
Take a quick look around the room. Not all men are easy to categorize, but this lot will be.
- Mr Enthusiastic. He is listening to every word and taking lots of notes. He and his wife Jane (or possibly Rebecca) stare lovingly into each other's eyes every eight minutes to show everyone how much they are still in love. On Thursday afternoons he and a girl from Marketing have angry sex in a nearby Holiday Inn.
- Mr Busy. He makes it clear that he has just come from an important meeting, and hints that he has another one immediately afterwards, This is just habit, as he and his wife are actually intending to go home and ring for a curry. He comes straight from work, burping surreptitiously from time to time, and occasionally asks aggressive and wrong-headed questions of the antenatal class teacher, just to prove to the other men that he is too important to pay attention properly. He refuses to switch off his mobile phone, and then when he takes a call, pretends it's from New York. He will be sick with fear during the birth, and then rush off at the earliest opportunity to an important meeting.
- Mr Youthful. He and his wife Mrs Youthful are the youngest people in the room and very conscious of the fact. Mrs Youthful listens carefully and tries not to cry. Mr Youthful, who is also trying not to cry, looks at his feet and says very little. He will eat two thirds of the chocolate HobNobs.
- Mr Old. He has been through all this before. She may be his second wife, or even his third. He is happy to share the benefit of his considerable experience with anyone who asks. No one asks, so he shares it anyway. His new wife looks on admiringly. The antenatal class teacher waits patiently for him to stop talking. Then less patiently. The one thing Mr Old doesn't say is that he hasn't been allowed to see his first two children, by law, since 1986.
- Mr Cool. Unlike most of the other men there, Mr Cool has worked out how to play this thing, but then he is Mr Cool. Listening carefully, nodding sagely, occasionally offering intelligent comments, Mr Cool appears to have embraced his fate head on. But what he is really thinking is that he is better dressed than all these other men, and very much cooler. Whether or not he and his partner go home and shout and argue into the small hours like everyone else, you'll never find out.
- Mr Not There At All. He turns up once, at around week three, then disappears permanently. All the other men hate his guts. The mother of his child tells the group that he has gone on an extended and important business trip. In fact he is at home with his wife.
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