Man's Reaction To Pregnancy

The situation is scarcely helped by the example of mums who, eleven minutes after giving birth, have already regained their fighting weight - thanks to careful diet, eight hours' exercise a day, a staff of 15 looking after the child and a quiet visit to a plastic surgeon to have the rest of the fat sucked out by giant Hoovers. Other celebrity mums, of course, choose to adopt because they are too vain to undergo the rigours of child birth, or too skeletal to be able to conceive. (I also understand that if you have had a lot of plastic surgery, you are also at risk of 'splitting' in lots of strange places, and having large chunks of foam burst out of you as though you were an old sofa.)
 

Man's Reaction To Pregnancy

As it happens, much of the fat a woman acquires during pregnancy can be burned off by breastfeeding. The body is hoarding for the future. As soon as the baby starts guzzling the mother's extra pounds should swiftly fall away. Indeed, she could end up thinner than she started - as long as she keeps on breastfeeding the child up to and including its GCSEs.
 
But that's for later. Right now all the mother-to-be can see are the extra pounds on the scale. It may hit her badly. She may lose confidence in her appearance. She may start wondering aloud what to wear. "None of my clothes fit me anymore,' she will say two months before it's true. Again, it's up to you to make her feel better about herself. Be kind and understanding. Shower her with appropriate compliments. Tell her how sexy she looks. Tell her pregnancy suits her. Her skin is glowing. Her hair is glossy. Her breasts look amazing. Give her the soft soap. She won't believe a word of it, except the bit about the breasts, which you have been staring at for the past fortnight. The absolute priority is: avoid the jokes. One man I know, when his girlfriend started complaining about her "child-bearing hips', suggested they were more like horse-bearing hips. Remarkably, they are no longer together, although I hear their foal is doing well.
 
The fact is, she probably will be looking better. In the second trimester comes the 'bloom'. Extra blood is being pumped to her skin, so her cheeks look rosier: she literally looks healthier. By months the morning sickness should be over, so she feels better as well. Her energy has come back. Her hair is looking fuller and thicker, because one of the strange by-products of pregnancy is increased hair growth. And it's not just on her head, either. Soon she should have enough pubic hair to stuff a decent-size cushion.

And so to the bump, which should finally emerge around now. (If you can't make it out from the general weight gain then she may really have eaten all the pies.) It's a glorious thing, the bump - a symbol of woman's fertility, of man's potency, and of future profit margins at Mothercare, Baby Gap and Toys R Us.

You may start fondling the bump (if she will let you), feeling around for movement within, staring at it, telling everyone about it, marveling at its great round weirdness. The revelation hits you: that Women Can Do This, and Men Can't. Not that you hadn't known this before, for you are not a dolt. But it is only now that the profound truth of it smacks you between the eyes.

For some men this is a moment to cherish, and may be the point at which you start fancying all pregnant women something rotten. For you were right when you were soft-soaping her earlier: she does look good, and as the bump comes into its own she will look better and better. (Fancying pregnant women need not stop with childbirth. If you are lucky it will be with you for the rest of your life.) To find out more, you can check out Man's Reaction To Pregnancy.