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| Decisions To Make During Pregnancy |
The first big surprise is the sheer quantity of stuff there is to learn. You quickly realize that not only do you know almost nothing about any of this, but that whatever you find out now, it probably won't be enough. It's like those dreams we all have of sitting in an exam for something important and having nothing to write on the paper because, for one reason or another, you haven't quite got round to doing any academic work in living memory. The fear of being found out afflicts most adults, especially those who haven't been found out yet. Parents, schools, universities, employers and girlfriends never managed it; maybe childbirth is your Waterloo.
As the husband, partner or convenient male appendage of the mother-to-be, your role in the birth will be far more prominent than you might have expected, or wished. Like most fathers-to-be, I had been hoping that, when it all happened, I would be able to stand on the sidelines and offer everyone well-meaning advice without actually doing anything very much.
Antenatal classes put me right. When labour begins your beloved will turn into a screaming, sweating, pain-crazed creature from the Black Lagoon, and all responsibility will devolve to you. Even Mr Cool gulped when he heard this.
For there are many decisions to be made, before, during and even after the birth (such as what to do with the afterbirth). Do you want the birth at home or in hospital? In water or on dry land? Do you want all the drugs medicine has to offer, or will you try for a natural birth? Do you want a birth partner present? How do you feel about Caesareans?
In each of these questions I use 'you' to mean 'you and your partner', which effectively means 'your partner', as it's unlikely you feel strongly about any of these things. How can you? It's not your body. (If you are deeply paranoid it's not your baby either until the DNA test comes through.) Quite reasonably, it is your partner who will end up making most of these decisions.
Your job as she makes them is to nod your head and look thoughtful. Later on you will have to remember what these decisions were - a challenge in itself - and then act on them. Remember that you are only the junior executive in this management structure. Kaz Cooke, in her Rough Guide To Pregnancy And Birth, tells of a man asking an antenatal class teacher exactly what his role should be during labour. Her reply: 'Do whatever she tells you and be quick about it.'
Home or hospital. Home has many advantages. It has a kettle, and a fridge. It has your bed, on which you can lie down for a nap while she is downstairs heaving and grunting with the midwife and there's nothing much for you to do. You can smoke at home, if you smoke. You can start smoking, if you don't.
Unfortunately, the NHS doesn't have much time for home births. GPs discourage them (more work for them), and some midwives are less than enthusiastic (more work for them). As birth has become more medicalised, home births have become rarer. In 1965, 28.6 per cent of births in the UK were at home. 20 years later it was down to 0.9 per cent. These days the rate has risen to about two per cent, thanks to natural childbbirthers, but it's still considered unusual to the point of eccentricity. To find out more, you can check out Decisions To Make During Pregnancy.