FATHER A (ANTHONY): Ecstatic. I'd wanted to be a dad for many years and it was like a dream come true.
FATHER B (BASIL): A combination of (a) elation, (b) denial, (c) an absurd and rather pathetic rush of masculine pride, and (d) a distinct sense that the world had changed.
FATHER C (CLIFF): Scared, I think, was the overriding feeling.
FATHER D (DUNCAN): Horrified, would be the answer.
 |
| Tricked Into Fatherhood |
Surprised, shocked. It was unexpected, that's the thing. You've got plans in your life and ideas and goals and things you want to do, and the news that it's suddenly going to change, it's a big shock. I found it quite difficult to take on board.
Myself, I felt my heart sink into my stomach, my stomach drop into my pants and my testicles fall through the floor. It's a strange sensation, being roughly half a storey lower in your spirits than in your body; and quite different, somehow, to other moments of crisis in your life. I have been sacked from jobs and I have been dumped by girlfriends, and both feel much the same. 'Of course,' you say when they give you the bad news, 'I totally understand,' even though you don't. You're just trying to maintain your dignity by being absurdly reasonable. It's quite different when you learn that you are going to be a father. 'I don't understand,' you say. But this time you do, totally.
It is God's little miracle. Or it is probability thwarted - the victory of blind chance against those very large numbers. Or it is a sign. Or it is simple good/bad luck (delete as appropriate). Some people try for years to do this. They work and work at it, wearing away their primary sexual organs until they are no use to anyone. Sex becomes a chore, parenthood an obsession. Many couples invest huge sums in IVF treatments, disregarding the success rate, so desperate are they to hand on their genetic inheritance to another generation, whether that generation wants it or not.
It may have taken you this long, and this much effort, to make your baby. Or, to use Ben Elton's favorite noun (and verb), it may have required only a single, idle shag. It may have been planned, or accidental, or something of both.
Prospective mother: 'It's planned."
Prospective father: 'It's an accident.'
(Note here for reluctant fathers. It is generally considered bad form to say 'It's a mistake.' It may well be a mistake, although few parents will say this for certain until their child is about 30. 'Accident' is more diplomatic, and less likely to be remembered later by hostile witnesses when everything goes wrong.)
But however it has come about, the result is the same. You are going to be a father. It's time to move to stage two of the process: Get Used To It.
THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE
The books are very clear on this. Fatherhood is the ultimate challenge. By comparison, wrestling tigers with your bare hands is child's play. Scoring winning goals in FA Cup Finals? Any fool can do that. But creating something out of nothing, and then paying for its upkeep for a quarter of a century - that's a true test of your mettle.
Not that everyone thinks this. Some people (all of whom are women) believe that fathers have the easy option. Our contribution, they say, amounts to just a few minutes bumping and grinding (which shamefully ignores the several seconds of diligent foreplay we also bring to the feast). After that, they say, the woman has to do everything. She must lose her shape. She must buy a whole load of new clothes that are even less flattering than her old clothes. She must puff and gasp and swear as the baby grows ever fatter within her. For nine months she must feed this tiny succubus with the very core of her being. And then, when all hope is lost, she must endure the unspeakable physical and psychological trauma of giving birth. Whereas all we have to do is stand around looking faintly concerned.
They are right. It's all true. As is so often the man's lot, we must delegate much of the hands.on physical work to others, and content ourselves with a purely managerial or consultative role, It's our job, for example, to say 'Are you sure you should be carrying that? It looks terribly heavy,' while not lifting a finger to help. During their wife or girlfriend's pregnancy, if it hasn't happen before, most men will discover the Homer Simpson that lurks within. Look in the mirror: the process may already have begun. Women talk enough about the physical changes that they must experience during pregnancy, but men are not immune. You will grow fat, you may lose your hair, and beer will be your friend. And there is not the slightest thing you can do about it. To find out more, you can check out Tricked Into Fatherhood.