FATHER I (IVAN): I reckon I thought the same as everyone else. If you have a boy you are spending endless days playing football in park, and you are bringing up this little image of yourself. And if it's a girl you do nice girly things with them instead. The main thing I remember about my preconceptions is that they all turned out to be completely wrong. It's the classic phrase: it won't change our lives. Which we uttered more than once. We're not going to let it change our lives. There's no reason why we can't juggle work and motherhood and fatherhood and all the rest of it. Of course, it's complete bollocks.
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| Becoming A Dad |
FATHER J (JEROME): I don't think it ever occurred to me how it would pan out. Because I had no contact with small children, I had no idea of what they can give you back, or how much effort it was going to be. I suppose I had a vague idea of contented bliss, like everyone else, but being freelance I was worried all the time that work could dry up and that I would be desperate to get regular work as I knew it would be financially demanding. I had no idea how financially demanding. I mean, you just don't think. But my knowledge of children up to then came from going to weddings and seeing the best man's children running around your feet and knocking over the cake, and then hearing him wish the bride and groom the joy of children .... well, you just think, feed that child razorblades. I had no idea of what to expect at all, It was a big blank void waiting for me.
Real fathers will tell us how satisfying it is, how fulfilling, and that they wouldn't be without their children. And we believe them. We also believe they have been brainwashed. They are the Stepford Fathers, rewarded for their loss of freedom with a new pair of slippers and some exciting new hairs growing out of their ears. Or maybe this is the parenthood equivalent of the Stockholm Effect, where hostages start to sympathize with their kidnappers. Or perhaps they just want to lure us all into the web they happen to be stuck in, so we can all be eaten by giant spiders together.
Barmy? Very possibly, but then I believe that a lot of men go slightly insane when faced with the prospect of imminent fatherhood. Some flee in panic, never to return. Others insist on an abortion, despite the terminal damage that might inflict on the relationship. A few propose marriage - which, on second thoughts, might be the perfect way of distracting your attention, for if you' re too busy thinking about speeches and churches and guest lists, you won't be thinking too much of the vertiginous horror of becoming a Dad. Celebrate your loss of freedom in the most public way possible. Accept the end of youth with an enormous party that will cost someone - usually her furious parents - an absolute fortune.
Do you want this baby? Maybe you do, maybe you don't, but in the end most men go along with it anyway. Call it an overwhelming sense of responsibility if you like, although dismal inertia may be nearer the mark. Coming to terms with impending fatherhood has much in common with the process of bereavement. First you feel anger (it's not mine, you bitch), then denial (whose is it then, you bitch?), then despair (oh fuck, oh flick, my life is over), then bargaining (well you never know, it might not be too bad), then finally acceptance (will you marry me?).
You have mourned your lost youth and freedoms before you have actually lost them, which may seem foolish but will save time later. Besides, once you are inured to what is happening, there is a far more dreadful prospect on the horizon. It is time to tell your friends and loved ones. To find out more, you can check out Becoming A Dad.