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| People Who Hate Babies |
Let us not try to dampen Baby Bore's ardour. Watching your baby develop from day to day, work things out and add to the repertoire - these are some of the best things about being a father. What you may not have expected is how enthralling it is. One day Junior can grasp a spoon, and you think this is the most fascinating thing you have ever seen. Objectivity flies out of the window. This takes some men by surprise, especially those men accustomed to being rational and practical and not hopelessly sentimental bags of mush. But it is not mothers who sit in pubs telling their friends at unforgivable length that their four-month-old daughter smiled at herself in the mirror today.
Brainwashed by love, we become the Moonies of parenthood. We tell everyone how great it is, and that they should do it. As we were never much good at listening in the first place, we don't notice that they are not listening and don't care. But still we drone on, glowing with pride and self-satisfaction, enjoying the story every bit as much as the first time we told it.
Women don't do this. The two sexes converse differently. Women smile more at the person they are talking to. They are more likely to pause and wait for a sign of agreement before continuing. Whereas men just stare into the middle distance and start talking. Women's bizarre and selfless willingness to listen to other people saves them from Baby Bore-hood; also the fact that they spend a lot of time in the company of people (i.e. women) who are also interested in babies. We spend our time with people (i.e. men) who are not interested in babies, and very specifically not interested in your baby. It's hard to know who comes off worst in these circumstances: the Baby Bore or the Baby Bored.
Happily, Baby Bore is more easily controlled than Competitive Dad. It is mainly a matter of selecting your audience. The following make bad audiences:
1. People who have not had children. This includes single people (male or female), couples who don't want children, couples who can't have children, couple who are trying like mad to have children and so are permanently bad-tempered and exhausted, and couples who are putting off the question of whether to have children because they hate each other's guts but do not yet have the gumption to split up.
Most of these people are delighted for you in your happiness. The will undertake to see a maximum of two photographs of your baby in any one calendar year. They may even buy Junior expensive and useful presents for birthdays and Christmas. But they do not want to know whether baby pushed out a rock-hard stool this morning or a chocolate mousse-style squisher. The friends who are fondest of you will suffer most in this regard: out of misplaced loyalty, they are the ones who won't leave the building whenever you start talking.
2. People who have already had children. Maybe their kids are older, and one or two may already be pleading their innocence in Vietnamese jails, but whatever is going on in their child-packed lives, your newly minted enthusiasm won't make them any happier. They know all about this stage (whatever stage it is) and they don't need to be reminded. And they will be less forgiving than the people who do not have children. Indeed, if provoked with too many stories of Junior's ribtickling escapades, they can turn nasty. It's a terrible thing to see valued old friends flipping instantaneously into implacable enemies, spiritually baring their fangs. Don't say you weren't warned. To find out more, you can check out People Who Hate Babies.