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| Betting Pool Baby Due Date |
Just occasionally, though, if you are with men you know very well, and you are feeling suitably relaxed and the drink is flowing and all nine planets are in alignment, you might venture to discuss something closer to your heart: such as which model of baby monitor to buy. 'What, you've only got the TX2000? We just picked up the 3000 the other day. 28 per cent greater range, graphic equaliser, hi-fi voice reproduction, rechargeable batteries. Virtually impossible to find in the shops, of course, but I know a good website which should be able to do it. Although you'd probably need a credit card with a US billing address ...'
Mothers compete as well, of course, but only over the children. If one pre-school child has started biting or scratching, the mothers of all the other pre-school children will discuss it with a combination of stern disapproval and unabashed glee.
But their competitive instincts tend to be reactive. In other words they actually need something to be competitive about. We don't. Example: if you told me I had an ugly baby, I would be grievously offended. But if you told me that you had an ugly baby, I would probably say that mine was uglier. Competitive Dad is competitive first, and dad about fourth. He knows that his first baby was 9lb 2oz at birth, because someone else he knew had one that was 9lb 1oz. That single ounce may not make much difference now, but who knows? Half a century down the line it may make the difference between Nobel prize and no Nobel prize. With the latter remaining odds-on favorite, obviously.
Women find all this a bit sad. It probably is, but it is also standard bloke behavior. If we are all like this - and on some level I believe we are - then we as individuals cannot be blamed for being like this, which gives us permission to go on being like this forever. All Competitive Dad ever needs is an audience:
Russell Crowe turned into the Dadiator after splashing out £50,000 on a cot for his son. The Gladiator star spent over £150,000 on stuff for his boy Charles's nursery. Russell has told friends: 'I want nothing but the best for my boy. whatever the cost. He's going to have the best and coolest nursery in Australia.'
The cot is a 19th-century Scandinavian design with ornate carvings. Also on his shopping list were some bedside lamps, and a painting called 'Reflection Of A Boy' - worth £75,000 - for the nursery wall. A course said: 'Russell chose all the items himself. It's clear he has got a really good eye.'
I know men who have set sweepstakes for their baby's birth weight. I know men who, having set sweepstakes for their baby's birth weight, have then spread-bet substantial sums on same. Who needs sport when you have the tidal wave of statistics childbirth can throw up? If you are determined enough you can bet on almost anything:
- proximity of birth to due date;
- weight of baby at birth;
- weight of baby after 28 days given weight of baby at birth;
- date of first crawling, date of first word spoken, date of first walking (as corroborated by independent witness, i.e. your partner);
- your own life expectancy should your partner find out about any of this.