In the early 1960s I myself was a baby and therefore frequently prambound. My parents were running a restaurant at the time and would leave me in my pram out on the street to be coochy-cooed at by old dears and jolly policemen. Only occasionally kidnapped and held for ransom, I continued to be thrust out on the pavement in all weathers, on the assumption that fresh air was intrinsically good for me, and would make me grow big or strong. Four decades later, I generally stay indoors as much as I can.
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| How To Get Baby To Sleep At Night And Not During Day |
These days no babies are left out of doors unattended, but fresh air is still wonderfully good for baby, agree all the books and most grandmothers. Best of all is fresh air's fine record in getting recalcitrant babies to go to sleep. As they lie in their pram or pushchair, the waving of branches in the breeze first fascinates them, then hypnotises them, and eventually, if the gods of slumber are smiling upon you, anaesthetise them. A clear night sky can perform a similar function, which is why you so often see sad-eyed men propelling pushchairs around suburban streets at three in the morning. We have all been there. We have all been stopped by police officers wondering whether we were burglars. We have all been bundled into the backs of transit vans and beaten up by highly trained constables. lt's a rite of passage for every dad.
Remember, though, that however bad things are for you, for someone else nearby they could be even worse. The man pushing baby around at three in the morning sees a car drive past. Behind the wheel is another sleep-deprived father. In the car seat, a gurgling infant chuckles evilly at the bags under his daddy's eyes. Father may have to drive a couple of miles before baby fails asleep. Or many, many more miles than that.
JEROME: The sleepless nights were unbelievable. She was colicky, and for three months didn't really sleep at all. I remember going out with her at night ... what was I doing? I'd read somewhere that a good thing to do with babies if they didn't sleep was to take them out. I remember taking her out for a walk round Wandsworth Common at one o'clock in the morning. She was crying away. Of course she was: it was so fucking cold. It certainly didn't work. Nothing did. So much of what we did was based on what we'd read. I took it as gospel, that this is what we ought to do. It was all just bollocks, really.
TUNES
Babies love music. Most of the books recommend classical music, usually out of snobbery. True, pumping dance rhythms are not ideal for putting babies to sleep, but a lot of pop music can do the trick. Babies form tastes with indecent speed. My daughter always liked Leonard Cohen and Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits - maybe it was their croaky old voices. My son jiggled happily to anything with loud guitars and turned his tiny nose up at anything orchestral. I know of a baby that would fall asleep to Miles Davis but never to John Coltrane. Only one thing is for certain: whatever they like now, in twelve years they will be telling you it's shit, and listening to something else.
THATCHER
For years, she slept only four hours a night. Only now do you truly understand why she was as mad as a can of peas. To find out more, you can check out How To Get Baby To Sleep At Night And Not During Day.