Piss is nothing. Shit can be managed. But vomit defeats the best of us. I was lucky: neither of my two threw up much. Some little ones barf by the hour. It's random and uncontrollable, and for a couple of months you too will walk around the house with a muslin constantly draped over one shoulder, just in case.
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| Baby Projectile Vomiting Reflux |
The baby's stomach, like most of its internal organs, is not yet operating at full throttle. Unlike new cars, babies do not come already run in. They will ingest the customary titful of milk and then bring a certain percentage back up, often on the parental shoulder as you wind them. These vomblobs are known in the trade as "possets'. Muslins guard against possets.
You are speaking a different language these days, one that has only tangential contact with English as you knew it before. Also you smell of sick a lot of the time. However careful you are, small blobs find their way onto every item of clothing you own.
After a while you don't even notice. Unfortunately everybody else does. Non-parents shake their heads with pity, and learn to hold their breath like synchronized swimmers. There is nothing you can do about any of this.
And it could be worse. You could have a projectile vomiter. My friend Georgia had one of these. He only P.V.ed ten or 15 times in three months, but each occasion would have won Oscars for special effects and cinematography. There was never any warning. Her son had glugged at the breast as usual. Then suddenly, a Linda Blair-like spray of milky spew would shoot out of his mouth. A fireman's hose couldn't have done a better job. If anyone had been sitting ten feet away, they would have been drenched.
Georgia stopped going out. It was too dangerous. She never knew when he might strike. Restaurants were an impossibility. It would have been like dining with her own miniature Mr Creosote. Even going to the shops to buy a pint of milk was fraught with peril. This was in the depths of winter, so she would wrap him up in half a dozen layers, wrap herself up in half a dozen layers, strap him in the sling, put the sling on, get to the door, feel the fireman's hose of vomit hit her chest, stand still for a moment, scream, bang her head against the wall a couple of times, go back inside, take all his and her clothes off and wash them both and shove everything in the washing machine, put more clothes on and start the whole process all over again. By the time she reached the shop she had forgotten why she was going there.
Projectile vomiters have their uses. As pure spectacle they are remarkable. If by some fluke you can get them to do it to order, you could sell them to a circus. Or go to a party and aim your vomiter at someone you don't like. Or put on some roller skates, strap your vomiter to your back facing away from you, and use him or her as a jet pack. Projectile vomiting is an infant reflex, and like the others it is gone after three months. You might as well make the most of it while you can. To find out more, you can check out Baby Projectile Vomiting Reflux.