As mother and baby bond, and you begin to think seriously about sitting down and reading the paper, it's time for your next job: calling the relatives.
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| Inform Relative Newborn Baby |
Mobile phones are banned in hospitals. You must use the public phones that line most corridors. Did you remember to bring lots of pound coins? And did you spend them all on crisps and mouldering Bounty bars during labour? Change machines, though a marvelous idea, wouldn't survive a night in most hospitals. Maybe there should be the maternity ward equivalents of ticket touts hanging around in trilbys, with unlit fags dangling from their thin lips, offering you change for a fiver at usurious rates. Do not ask hospital staff for change. They have already been asked eleven times since they came on shift. Even if they don't assault you, they may choose to mishear you and pocket the note as a tip.
Among all the stuff you packed for labour (most of it unused and not even thought about) will be a list of people to call which your partner compiled several weeks ago when she felt the first false twinge. The list is usually graded in strict priority: her parents; her siblings; her best friend; her other close friends; her former workmates; her best friend from school she hasn't seen for years; local tradesmen; random people off the street; your parents, friends, etc. It's just because she is jealous.
Calling everyone with the good news is much more fun than what she has just gone through. Everyone will be delighted to hear from you. You can even milk the situation a bit by pretending you are ringing about something else and then springing the good news on them when they are least expecting it. Cruel, but fun. Make sure you have all these vital pieces of information to hand:
- sex of baby;
- weight in pounds and ounces of new baby (groceries may be measured in kilos, babies are not);
- length of labour in hours and minutes;
- colour of hair (if any);
- confirmation that baby has your nose/ears/distinguished forehead.
- quantity of blood and gore witnessed during the long hours of horror;
- current resemblance of partner's birth canal to four-lane bypass;
- own resemblance to Albert Steptoe with bad hangover.
CLIFF: I remember thinking it was incredibly ugly. I still see photos of my firstborn now and other people say, 'Isn't he sweet?' and I think, well, no, sorry. I can't say I bonded immediately with what he looked like because he was just staggeringly ugly - although I dislike all babies, so I didn't really know what to compare it to.
Hearing. Baby's sight may not yet be 20/20, but he/she has been listening to you and your partner arguing for nine months now, and recognizes your voices. Newborns often respond to the sounds of pleasure in their parents' voices, which can be amazingly gratifying. Here at last is someone who doesn't mind when you drone on and on about nothing in particular, as long as you sound reasonably cheerful while doing it. They love it when you sing and say silly nursery rhymes. And when you shout or argue, they will probably cry.
Umbilical cord. The stump should dry up and shrivel within a couple of days. Then, before the first week is up, the midwife should remove the clamp. Then the whole thing should drop off within another few days, Women don't seem to worry about this, but men, who live in fear of having things dry up, shrivel and drop off, can take it all very personally. To find out more, you can check out Inform Relative Newborn Baby.