But how about the father? Can't he feel miserable too? Mothers have baby blues, postnatal depression and postnatal psychosis. Fathers do well to have a hangover. There simply isn't the same level of sympathy for our plight. My informal searches, however, suggest that far more men than is known about experience some level of postnatal depression. We are not unfeeling monsters, much as we pretend otherwise. As was proved in earlier emergencies, we are more typically the strong but silent type.
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| New Father Postnatal Depression |
But the Gary Cooper and Clint Eastwood templates are of little use when faced with a tiny screaming baby. Clint, of course, dealt with an orang utan in two of his more pathetic films. But I don't remember ever seeing him with an infant tucked under his arm. 'Shoot first, ask questions later' is advice best unheeded by fathers of small children, although when you start going to parent-and-toddler groups you might be sorely tempted. Most men struggle with their feelings on some level; but even the touchiest and feeliest of New Men can hit the depths after childbirth. The reasons just stack up.
- Loss of freedom. Required to stay in every night. Leisure time obliterated.
- Tired of dealing with partner. Miserable fat cow always eating cakes and crying. She wanted bloody baby in first place. Unable to say these things to her face.
- Financial burden of new role. Had been planning to buy flash car and go on expensive holidays. Now destined for penury and estate car. Partner no longer working. No hope of situation ever improving.
- Lack of support. Friends no use. Family worse. Everyone supporting doughnut-addled partner, no one helping you.
- Possible lingering resentment over treatment at hospital. Obliged to watch horrors of birth without feeling part of it. Experience hard to process, let alone get over. Trauma sits in pit of stomach, festering.
- Baby doesn't seem worth it. Small ugly thing. Looks exactly like you.
- Partner obsessed with baby, has no time for you. Has made it clear that you have done your job and can now whistle if you suggest renewing sexual relations.
- Tired. Oh, so tired.
DUNCAN: She was a difficult baby, she was hard work all the through. She was always screaming and crying, and life was hell for the first six months, it really was. When you're going through that you wonder why anyone would ever want to be a parent. And you understand why people throw their children out of the window on the forty-eighth floor. Seems quite a rational thing to do at half past three in the morning when you've got to be up at six to go to work.
ANTHONY: I didn't get the baby blues, but Astrid did. Lots of reasons, too complex to go into now; and it wasn't recognized for a very long time. It took years for her to get any help; finally got some before our second was born; it was partial but helpful. She got the blues too after the second, but is really fighting it now, and is getting some constructive help. I've found it really hard to deal with. But there's lots of good stuff going on with Astrid and she's incredibly brave embracing the whole mum thing.
One consequence of her being off work at the moment is that we're just totally broke. And that puts a monkey on your back you don't need. I never want R to grow up as I did, always being told there's not enough of anything. Even if you're broke he's going to be told there's plenty (of love and fun if not fancy toys). To find out more, you can check out New Father Postnatal Depression.