But whichever brand of lies you choose, these are good moments for expectant fathers. Mothers-to-be are said to 'glow' at various stages in a pregnancy (although they would be the first to admit that they look like shit on a stick at others). Fathers-to-be may enjoy a similar luminescent effect for completely different reasons. Relentless ego massage is good for the soul, and can persuade the most stubborn doubter that fatherhood may actually be worth doing. You never know, you might even be quite good at it. As you look in the mirror next morning, you are admiring the cut of your jib, just think about the magnificent genes passing on to your child. They are far too good to waste. He/she should be grateful that you are his/her Daddy and not some other wastrel or fat bloke. So what's the problem? Isn't it about time you grew up? Can parenthood really be that awful? And if it is, you can always leave.
Incidentally, that last sentence probably isn't one you should say out loud. Miscarriage, of course, is possible. Around a third of all first pregnancies end this way. The real danger zone is between eleven and 13 weeks, after which you're almost in the clear (around three quarters of miscarriages occur in the first trimester). It's at best an unpleasant experience, at worst traumatic. It also may be a one-off. An embryo fails to develop as it should, so the body cuts its losses and expels it. For some women a miscarriage is a sort of training run. Next time she gets pregnant her body will be better prepared and should make a stronger baby. Some women will miscarry several times before going to full term, but in most cases the probabilities remain in their favor.
FERGUS: The first miscarriage I hadn't really felt anything much. For the second one we went in for the scan, and they were putting the thing over the stomach, and there was absolutely nothing there on the screen, so we said, where is it? And she said, I'm afraid it's gone. And I had a delayed reaction. I remember being with some friends two nights after and I suddenly felt unbelievably sad and I burst into tears, rather embarrassingly, in this restaurant. The intensity of my response seemed to come from nowhere.
IVAN: That was fairly ghastly, the whole miscarriage thing, that was horrible. I think when you go through a miscarriage, it's awful for the woman, and men tend not to know how to react. But it's just as hard for us. Everything is focused on the mother. And fathers just have to get on with things. I found that quite hard. But it was great when she became pregnant again, because the last thing you want after a miscarriage is a huge gap. It's like falling off a bike and getting back on again. I know that's a crude allusion, but ...
Early miscarriage may not cause her much physical pain, beyond period-like cramps, but her sense of loss may be overwhelming. Do not underestimate her need to grieve. (Or yours for that matter.) A later miscarriage - 13 to 24 weeks - may be more physically demanding, necessitating a sort of mini-labor to expel the foetus. This is not something either of you would easily forget.
But do not be deterred. However appalling the experience, most women who miscarry will give birth to a healthy baby next time round. For there will be a next time round. It's remarkable how many reluctant fathers-to-be lose all trace of their former reluctance after a miscarriage. Perhaps they needed a trial run too. To find out more, you can check out Early Miscarriage Sadness.